Doctor Appointment Guide: How to Prepare and Advocate for Your Aging Parent

The average primary care appointment lasts just 15-20 minutes. In that brief window, your parent needs to describe symptoms, the doctor needs to examine them, and decisions about treatment need to be made. Without preparation, it's easy for important issues to fall through the cracks.

As a caregiver, you can dramatically improve the quality of your parent's healthcare by preparing for appointments, accompanying them when possible, and serving as their advocate. This guide will show you how.

Before the Appointment: Preparation is Key

The most productive appointments happen when you arrive prepared. Start getting ready a few days before.

Create a Symptom Log

Document what you and your parent have observed:

• What symptoms? Be specific (not "stomach pain" but "sharp pain in upper right abdomen after eating")
• When did they start? Note the date or approximately how long ago
• How often? Constant, daily, weekly, occasional?
• How severe? Rate pain on a 1-10 scale
• What makes it better or worse? Food, rest, medication, activity?
• Any patterns? Time of day, after meals, weather-related?

Update the Medication List

Bring a complete, current list including:

• Prescription medications (name, dose, frequency)
• Over-the-counter medications (Tylenol, antacids, sleep aids)
• Vitamins and supplements
• Herbal remedies
• Any recent changes or medications that were stopped

Either bring the actual pill bottles or a typed/written list. Many pharmacies can print a complete medication list.

Prepare Questions in Advance

Write down questions you want answered, prioritized by importance. You may not have time for all of them, so put the most critical ones first.

General questions to consider:

• What is causing this symptom?
• What tests do you recommend and why?
• What are the treatment options?
• What are the risks and benefits of each option?
• What happens if we don't treat this?
• Are there lifestyle changes that could help?
• What warning signs should we watch for?
• When should we call the office vs. go to the ER?

Gather Essential Documents

Bring to every appointment:

• Insurance cards (Medicare, Medigap, Medicare Advantage)
• Photo ID
• Medication list
• Symptom notes and questions
• Healthcare proxy or HIPAA authorization (if you need to communicate with the doctor)
• Any test results from other providers
• Hearing aids, glasses, or other assistive devices
• Notepad and pen (or phone for notes)

Getting Permission to Participate: HIPAA Basics

Healthcare providers can't share your parent's medical information with you without authorization—even if you're the primary caregiver.

Options for Authorization

Verbal authorization during the appointment:

Your parent can simply tell the doctor: "I want my daughter to be part of this conversation, and you can share my information with her." The provider should document this in the chart.

Written HIPAA authorization:

A signed form giving you ongoing permission to receive health information. Most medical offices have standard forms. This stays on file so you don't need to repeat authorization each visit.

Healthcare proxy / medical power of attorney:

If your parent has named you as their healthcare proxy, you have authority to receive information and make decisions when they cannot. Bring a copy to have on file.

If Your Parent Has Dementia

If your parent has cognitive impairment:

• Ideally, get HIPAA authorization signed while they still have capacity
• If they've already lost capacity, you may need legal guardianship
• Healthcare proxy activates when they cannot make decisions themselves
• Bring legal documents showing your authority

During the Appointment: Maximizing Limited Time

Arrive Early and Check In

• Arrive 15-20 minutes early for paperwork
• Use the restroom before the appointment
• Notify staff of any special needs (wheelchair, interpreter)
• Update any changed information (address, pharmacy, insurance)

Start with Priorities

When the doctor enters, briefly state your main concerns upfront:

"We have three things we're hoping to discuss today: Mom's increasing confusion, her chronic back pain, and questions about her blood pressure medication."

This helps the doctor allocate time appropriately. If there are too many issues for one visit, they can help prioritize or schedule a follow-up.

Be Specific and Honest

Vague descriptions make it hard for doctors to diagnose. Instead of:

• "She's been tired" → "She's sleeping 12 hours a day and still tired, starting about 3 weeks ago"
• "Her memory's getting worse" → "She's asked me the same question 5 times in an hour and forgot my name twice last week"
• "She's not feeling well" → "She has nausea after meals and has lost 8 pounds in the past month"

Also be honest about:

• Whether medications are actually being taken as prescribed
• Diet and exercise habits (no judgment, just accuracy)
• Alcohol consumption
• Falls or near-falls
• Mental health concerns

Take Notes

You won't remember everything the doctor says. Write down:

• Diagnoses and what they mean
• Medication changes (name, dose, how to take it)
• Tests ordered and why
• Warning signs to watch for
• Follow-up instructions
• When to schedule the next appointment

Don't be shy about writing or asking the doctor to slow down. You can also ask: "Can you repeat that?" or "Can you spell that medication name?"

Ask Questions

There are no stupid questions when it comes to your parent's health. If you don't understand something, ask:

• "Can you explain that in simpler terms?"
• "What does that diagnosis mean?"
• "What are the side effects we should watch for?"
• "When should we be concerned?"
• "Is there anything else this could be?"

Repeat Back to Confirm

Before leaving, summarize what you heard to make sure you understood correctly:

"So just to make sure I understand: Mom should take the new medication once a day with food, continue the other medications unchanged, and come back in 4 weeks. If her dizziness gets worse before then, we should call the office. Is that right?"

Being an Effective Healthcare Advocate

Advocating for your parent means ensuring their concerns are heard, their questions are answered, and they receive appropriate care. It's a balance between being assertive and being respectful.

Speak Up When Something Seems Wrong

Trust your observations. You know your parent better than the doctor does. If something doesn't seem right:

• "This is different from her usual behavior. I'm concerned."
• "She's complained about this for months and it's getting worse."
• "I don't think the current treatment is working. What else can we try?"
• "I've read about [other treatment]. Would that be appropriate for her?"

Ask About Alternatives

If a treatment plan seems too aggressive, too passive, or doesn't fit your parent's situation:

• "What are the alternatives to this treatment?"
• "What happens if we take a wait-and-see approach?"
• "Are there less invasive options?"
• "How would this treatment affect her quality of life?"

Handling Disagreements

If you disagree with a recommendation:

• Stay calm and professional
• Ask questions to understand the reasoning
• Express your concerns clearly: "I understand your recommendation, but I'm concerned about [specific issue]"
• Ask about alternatives
• Request time to think about it if it's not urgent
• Consider seeking a second opinion

When the Doctor Seems Dismissive

Unfortunately, some doctors dismiss older patients' concerns. If you feel your parent isn't being taken seriously:

• Be persistent: "I understand, but I'm still concerned about this. Can we explore it further?"
• Ask for documentation: "Can you note in the chart that we raised this concern?"
• Request specific tests: "Would it make sense to rule out [condition] with a [test]?"
• Consider switching doctors if the pattern continues

Advocating While Respecting Autonomy

Remember that your parent is the patient. Balance advocacy with respect for their wishes:

• Discuss concerns privately with them before the appointment
• Let them speak first if they're able
• Don't talk over them or answer for them
• Support their decisions even if you disagree
• Save disagreements between you for private conversations

When and How to Seek a Second Opinion

A second opinion is appropriate in many situations and is not an insult to the first doctor. Good doctors welcome second opinions on complex cases.

When to Consider a Second Opinion

• Major surgery is recommended
• Cancer or other serious diagnosis
• Chronic condition not improving with treatment
• Recommendation seems extreme or doesn't match what you've researched
• You feel uncomfortable with the diagnosis or treatment plan
• Life-altering treatment decision
• Doctor can't explain the diagnosis clearly
• Your gut says something isn't right

How to Get a Second Opinion

1. Check insurance: Most plans cover second opinions, especially for surgery or serious diagnoses
2. Request records: Ask for copies of test results, images, and notes to bring to the new doctor
3. Find a specialist: For complex conditions, seek a specialist at an academic medical center
4. Be honest: Tell the second doctor this is a second opinion
5. Compare recommendations: If opinions differ significantly, discuss with both doctors or seek a third opinion

Discussing with the Original Doctor

You don't need permission to seek a second opinion, but it's often helpful to tell the first doctor:

• "We'd like to get a second opinion before making this decision. Can you recommend someone?"
• Many doctors can refer you to a colleague
• Request that records be sent to the consulting doctor

Managing Specialist Appointments

When your parent sees multiple specialists, care coordination becomes crucial.

Before the Specialist Visit

• Understand why the referral was made
• Get records sent ahead (or bring copies)
• Know what questions the primary doctor wants answered
• Prepare a brief summary of your parent's health history

After the Specialist Visit

• Ask the specialist to send notes to the primary care doctor
• Schedule any follow-up tests or appointments
• Make sure medication changes are communicated to all providers
• Update your parent's medication list

Coordinating Multiple Specialists

When your parent sees multiple specialists:

• Keep a master list of all doctors and their roles
• Maintain an updated medication list from ALL providers
• Ask the primary care doctor to coordinate care
• Inform each specialist about what others have recommended
• Watch for conflicting recommendations and bring them up

After the Appointment: Follow Through

Review and Organize Information

Within a day of the appointment:

• Review your notes while the conversation is fresh
• Fill in any gaps you remember
• Update medication lists if there were changes
• Schedule any tests or follow-up appointments
• Set up medication reminders if needed

Follow Up on Test Results

• Ask how and when results will be communicated
• Don't assume no news is good news—call if you haven't heard
• Request copies of results for your records
• Ask questions if results are unclear

Fill Prescriptions Promptly

• Get prescriptions filled before leaving the area if possible
• Review new medications with the pharmacist
• Ask about interactions with current medications
• Understand how and when to take new medications

Monitor and Report

• Watch for changes after starting new medications
• Track symptoms the doctor asked you to monitor
• Call the office if you have concerns before the next appointment
• Keep a log of symptoms, medication effects, or concerns for the next visit

Telehealth Appointments

Video visits have become common and can be convenient for follow-ups and non-urgent concerns.

Preparing for a Telehealth Visit

• Test the technology beforehand (camera, microphone, software)
• Find a quiet, well-lit location
• Have medication list and notes ready (same as in-person)
• Charge devices fully
• Have the doctor's phone number in case of technical issues

During the Telehealth Visit

• Position camera to show your parent's face clearly
• Speak clearly and pause for connection delays
• Show areas of concern if visual (rashes, swelling)
• Have vital signs ready if you have home equipment (blood pressure, temperature)
• Take notes just as you would in person

When to Request In-Person Instead

• New or complex symptoms
• Physical exam is needed
• Your parent is uncomfortable with technology
• Significant changes in condition
• Difficulty hearing or seeing on video

Tips for Appointments with Dementia Patients

Appointments with a parent who has dementia require additional planning.

Before the Appointment

• Schedule at their best time of day (often mornings)
• Keep the schedule simple the day of the appointment
• Bring a comfort item if helpful
• Prepare a written summary for the doctor (your parent may not accurately report symptoms)

During the Appointment

• Let them answer questions they can handle
• Gently supplement or correct information as needed
• Write a note to pass to the doctor if there are sensitive issues to discuss
• Ask for strategies to manage challenging behaviors

What to Tell the Doctor

• Specific changes you've noticed
• Behavioral issues (aggression, wandering, sleep problems)
• Safety concerns
• How current medications are affecting them
• Caregiver stress level and needs

Resources

• AARP Doctor Visit Worksheet: aarp.org
• Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality: ahrq.gov/patients-consumers
• Medicare: 1-800-633-4227 for questions about coverage
• Patient Advocate Foundation: patientadvocate.org