"You can't bring them to your reality. But you can join them in theirs. That's where connection happens."
Dementia changes how the brain processes language. Your parent isn't being stubborn or difficult, their brain literally can't do what it used to. Adjusting how YOU communicate makes all the difference.
✓ What Works
- Simple, short sentences: One idea at a time
- Speak slowly and clearly: Give time to process
- Use names, not pronouns: "Sarah is here" not "She's here"
- Ask yes/no questions: Not open-ended ones
- Offer visual cues: Point, gesture, show objects
- Use a calm, warm tone: They read emotions more than words
- Repeat and rephrase: If not understood, try different words
- Give plenty of time: Wait for response without rushing
✗ What Doesn't Work
- Arguing or correcting: You won't win, and you'll both feel worse
- Quizzing them: "Don't you remember?" causes shame
- Talking about them in front of them: They understand more than you think
- Complex sentences: Too many ideas overwhelm
- Speaking loudly: Dementia isn't deafness (unless they're also hard of hearing)
- Rushing or interrupting: Processing takes longer
- Using sarcasm or idioms: They may take things literally
When they say something that isn't true, arguing doesn't help. Gently redirect instead.
"No, Dad died 10 years ago. Don't you remember?"
"You're thinking about Dad. Tell me about when you two met."
"You already ate lunch! It was an hour ago!"
"Let me get you a snack. How about some crackers?"
Their emotions are real even when their memories aren't. Acknowledge the feeling.
"Mom isn't coming. She died years ago."
"You miss your mom. She loved you so much."
"You didn't work today. You retired in 2005!"
"Sounds like a long day. You always worked so hard."
They're not trying to annoy you. They genuinely don't remember asking.
- Answer calmly each time, to them, it's the first time
- Try writing the answer on a whiteboard they can see
- Look for the emotion behind the question ("Are you worried?")
- Gently redirect to an activity
Agitation usually means an unmet need or overstimulation.
- Stay calm, your tone affects theirs
- Lower your voice and speak slowly
- Check: hungry? tired? in pain? need bathroom?
- Reduce stimulation (turn off TV, dim lights)
- Offer a change of scenery or activity
- Don't argue, say "I understand" even if you don't agree
"I don't need a bath!" "I already took my pills!" Resistance is common.
- Don't force it, come back in 15 minutes
- Offer choices: "Blue shirt or green shirt?"
- Make it about you: "Can you help me with this?"
- Use a therapeutic fib if needed: "The doctor said we have to"
- Try a different approach or different person
This is heartbreaking but not uncommon in later stages.
- Don't quiz them, "Do you know who I am?" causes distress
- Gently introduce yourself: "It's Sarah, your daughter"
- Focus on the emotional connection, not the label
- They may not know your name but still feel your love
Non-Verbal Communication Matters More
As dementia progresses, they rely more on tone, facial expression, and body language than words. A warm smile, gentle touch, and calm presence communicate more than any sentence. Make eye contact. Hold their hand. Your presence is the message.
Phrases That Help
- "I'm here with you."
- "You're safe."
- "Let's do this together."
- "That sounds hard."
- "Tell me more about that."
- "I love you."
Phrases to Avoid
- "Don't you remember?"
- "I already told you."
- "You're wrong."
- "That didn't happen."
- "Try harder to remember."
- "What's wrong with you?"